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13 July 2017 @ 08:35 pm
The below text is from a conversation I had with someone else.  This is one sided, mine.  I've cut and edited a few things here and there.... but it was venting I really needed to get out of my system.  I'm glad I was able to find someone to vent to, and part of me just wants to document this conversation, these feelings... I don't want to say for reference later but meh... something like that I suppose.

Honestly, I do have someone I like, a lot. Like just talking to him, even a short 4 sentence conversation can brighten my entire day
But it will never happen or work out for a number of reasons actually
About.... gosh Im not even 100% certain when. Im sure it was after Bert and I seperated, so lets estimate 6 years ago, I told him how much I admire him. How much I respect him and look up to him (irony im 5'11 and hes 5'2")
And just how intelligent and amazing he is, and I thanked him for just being himself, and being there for me.... and for saving my life and preventing my 3rd suicide attempt
He kinda took it as me confessing feelings, that Im still not sure to this day if I had back then
And said thanks but it wouldnt work out... and he gently avoided me for a bit. Just to give some distance until it wasnt so awkward, only a week or two
Hindsight: i didnt know he had started dating one of my friends like 2-3 weeks before that point. They just seperated last year.
Reason 2, distance is a bitch. Hes 30 minutes from Boston. Im 30 minutes (in the dead of night with no traffic) from Los Angeles.
Next March Im flying to Boston to spend a week for my birthday. The big anime convention is that weekend, and there are other things to do/see. I keep trying to tell myself not to get my hopes up, but I will be inviting him out to dinner. I doubt he will come.... but Im still going to offer
Another large reason is my own self doubt and fear. 95% of the time if Ive met someone from RO, or just online in general, and I confess to feelings..... they stop talking to me
Im not just rejected, Im cut completely from their life
And frankly he means the world to me. I would honestly sit here and shatter my own heart every day, than to take that risk of losing him as a friend from my life
Ive never had anything last more than a couple months, so around the 4-6 month marker, I just implode with paranoia. I know it sabotaged one realtionship, another I had blamed it for but turns out he had been seeing other people and just bounced
I dont want to drive him away because Im too insecure
Most relationships end when they find someone prettier, someone skinnier
I know I should give up and move on. But Im still going to do what I can to convince him to meet me.
10 May 2011 @ 08:16 pm
need to clean out a few things...
10 May 2011 @ 08:11 pm
This Journal is friends only.

At some point later in time I MAY unlock certain entries. However do not count on that.